I prefer the term queer for myself. However, I know it has been a degrading and derogatory term for LGBTQIA+ people in the past. I am using it as a reclamation for my identity, but I am sorry if that term offends anyone. Queer is used interchangeably with LGBT and LBGTQIA+ on my site and this article.
Is traveling as a “passing” straight, cisgender person easy?
The short answer? It’s harder than you expect. Sure, I enjoy some blissful ignorance of pretending to ignore what people feel towards anyone LGBTQIA+. I get to pretend I am accepted, even though I might not be. Who knows unless I bring it up, and why would I bring it up if I might be unsafe? But I already said it – it’s just pretending. And pretending is difficult for your mental health.
How is it hard? Don’t you worry less about your safety or being arrested?
Do you remember that feeling growing up of being different? Distinctly, unexplainably different? It caused this unbearable tension and, for me, an unhappiness and hatred towards myself. I know I am not the only one. Imagine “being able” to stay in that state forever – perpetually accepted, but not for who you are. That’s what traveling as a “passing” individual feels like.
Sometimes, it can be unbearably comforting knowing I would not be harassed, shamed, or discriminated against. But at the same time, it was unbearable hard knowing my fellow LGBTQIA+ peers may have that happen. How would I ever truly know what places we could trust as a community? That’s just it – I can’t, not for sure.
I do worry less about my personal safety, but that doesn’t absolve the worry I feel for my community. With that in mind, I want to iterate that hate crimes can happen anywhere, even in the most accepting city, town, or neighborhood! Crime isn’t exclusive to unaccepting locales, but it’s also (somewhat) less problematic than in the past.
Have you ever intentionally hidden your identity? Do you ever purposely reveal it?
I remember the only group tour I ever took. Everything (that I had read at least) complained about how difficult it was to travel in Italy if you didn’t speak the language – how unsafe it could be, how many thieves there were, and how many scams you could run into. So, even though I traveled nearly everywhere else alone, I chose to sign up for a group tour to Rome with a guide that spoke Italian. We would all be together for four days. I thought I would be safer and have a more enjoyable time (which is a story for another day).
But I quickly realized the hole I had dug myself when I arrived. Another girl was in the hostel room we were all sharing, and we began talking about everything she could think of (being an introvert, I just followed the conversation). Boyfriends and relationships often came up, but I avoided them. Discussions like that continued (strangers are quite open!) with others in the group, especially the next few days. So, the quandary came – do I continue to suppress who I am* and just nod along when the women talked about cute guys? I did for the first two days. By the third day at lunch, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been referring to my ex as “they” (when she decidedly identified as a she) to avoid talking about sexuality, but I was so uncomfortable it hurt.
I finally exhaled loudly, in the middle of a story, and said, “Look. I keep saying “they,” but my ex was my girlfriend. I’m gay. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know how any of you would react, but I can’t keep pushing that away. I’ve done it for long enough, and it’s just not right. Hopefully that’s ok.”
What happens when you reveal your queer identity to near-strangers?
In hindsight, who cares if it was okay or not?! I am who I am. But I am ingrained to worry about safety in these situations because so many people hate us just for being different than them. Even though I have generally accepted the threat, I am still terrified of what they think of me. They may not be violent; they may not even be mean to my face. But they may judge me, and for someone like me, that’s almost as bad.
But they weren’t mean, or hateful, or rude. They were accepting – even apologetic I felt that I had to hide my identity! And we continued our trip as normal, with me being much more comfortable (note: I still didn’t come out to the others in our group – a couple other girls and our tour guide – because I got the distinct feeling of judgement from them. I will never know if that was true). Not every story ends up so simple. Even though not everyone knew, I wasn’t hiding from the people I had come to call friends.
Wait, isn’t it safer for you to travel than “non-passing” LGBT/queer folx?
Yes, I likely AM safer. And I am extremely grateful for that safety. But keep in mind that physical safety doesn’t always equate to mental safety. What I am trying to say is, don’t let fear stop you from traveling. But do recognize what you could be getting yourself into. For me, it’s worth it.
Has being honest about your identity ever backfired?
Not in a violent way, no. I have been extremely careful and selective with who I share that personal information with. But in short, yes.
The most negative experience I have had with sharing my identity occurred in Killarney, Ireland. I took a weekend trip between my classes to revisit the city my parents had taken me to two years prior, but this time I stayed in a four-person hostel room. My plans for the night were normal – I would get some food, wander, then come back and work on my laptop. In the morning my true adventures would start (I am not a partier). However, plans quickly changed when one of the most boisterous woman I have ever met walked in the room. She was welcoming and excitable, and she immediately encouraged the other three of us to go out with her that night. While I am not a partier, I do try to go out and be social when I am given the opportunity, and this seemed perfect.
Two guys from the other room joined us. We made the normal small talk, and I began feeling uncomfortable but was trying to push it aside – I was chalking it up to run of the mill anxiety. Then the dreaded question came (from one of the men), and my anxiety was warranted. “Do you have a boyfriend back home?”
I hadn’t been flirting, so this question could have easily been small talk. That’s not when my concern ramped up; it was still it’s normal “steady state” concern. I was comfortable with the ladies I had chosen to go out with, so I said “no, I don’t like men that way.” I got a weird look and the answer all us gays hate: “but, you can’t be gay.”
Whatever.
At least it wasn’t threatening right? That’s what I told myself, but I had to fend off comments and pestering for quite a while. Finally, the guy shut up about it, and one of the girls and I went to dance.
No issues, even when the guys joined us. They kept their space (at least staying away from me and her) and we kept ours, dancing with each other. For some reason, the same guy tried to start dancing with me – and I don’t mean dancing where you keep your personal space but still have fun. I mean up against me, the type of dancing you should have consent for. He didn’t have my consent, and I made that very clear. Unfortunately, I had to make that clear multiple times. Eventually he relented, but not before telling me to “relax” because he was “just trying to have fun.”
In what world does saying no repeatedly, saying I am not into men, and physically pushing a person away tell you I want to “have fun” grinding against you? Not my world.
I have had honesty backfire. Sometimes straight, cisgender men think they can change you or use you as a toy or kink for the night. But if you keep your wits, you’ll stay safe. (I know it’s not all straight, cisgender men, and I know not everyone who uses this language is male, but I had to take some artist liberties, ya know?)
What about saying you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend/partner/whatever matches how people are perceiving you) back home to avoid questions or attention?
No, but it is something quite a few single LGBT folx do. If you are comfortable saying that, go for it. For me, it brings up negative feelings about having to hide, not being accepted, and fear of judgement. I would rather be selectively honest and say things like “I am too busy,” “I am not interested in anyone or anything right now,” or “I have bigger plans than dating someone.” All true things, and they don’t hide who I am.
Do your actions change based on the country or city you are in?
It depends what type of actions. My style of dress has changed based on the country. I wore dresses and stereotypical-feminine clothing** in Romania and Italy, because that’s what felt socially acceptable. But in most other places, I wore what I wanted – flannels/tank tops, makeup/no makeup, skirts/pants. My clothing was strongly influenced by culture, weather, and comfort, not sexual or gender views.
My actions in answering questions didn’t really change, nor did my talking to people. If you tend to flirt often or are traveling with a partner, I would temper the number of PDAs (or flirting) you engage in.
Another note: By no means am I trying to persuade anyone to come out to anyone when they aren’t ready, or hide their identity if they want to share it. These interactions have merely been some examples of possible outcomes you may experience when traveling, and I wanted to provide an idea of the struggles you may face, whether you pass as straight and cisgender or not.
*I only knew I was gay at the time – my gender identity has since evolved, and I would likely leave that out of conversations even now to avoid complications since I am fine with the she/her pronouns. Me repressing part of myself? Maybe. But worth it at this point in time to enjoy travel without even more worrying.
**PSA and note: CLOTHING IS GENDER NEUTRAL. MEN CAN WEAR DRESSES. GIRLS CAN WEAR DRESSES. NON-BINARY PEOPLE CAN WEAR DRESSES. GENDERFLUID/GENDERQUEER/AGENDER PEOPLE CAN WEAR DRESSES. ANY/EVERY GENDER CAN WEAR DRESSES OR WHATEVER THE F THEY WANT. WE CAN ALL WEAR MAKEUP, EARRING, ETC. I think you get it.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
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What other questions about LGBT/queer travel do you have, particularly as a “passing straight/cisgender” individual? Let me know in the comments!
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